Still dreaming

I’m angry at myself for missing something that wasn’t mine. Still thinking about our brief sample of what life could be like if we were together. It was so easy for you to just pick up and move away. Ditch me like one of those empty water bottles that used to litter the floor of your car. You can drop anything you love without ever picking it up again. Quit smoking cigarettes just like that, quit eating junk food and dropped me…not only me. Us. The three of us. He still asks about you. I still have your picture on my fridge and my heart still skips a beat when I see it. I keep asking myself…why? Why do I love someone that cannot love me? Why do I care when I can get a new boyfriend or girlfriend tomorrow if i really wanted to? I start to like someone and then it starts burning out before the spark even turns into a flame. Because i subconsciously push people out. It makes no sense because as soon as I sense that they are no longer interested I start clawing for their attention to the point I have back ups if the one I’m with isn’t readily accessible or available to give me attention. There is always an ex that will come to my aide even if all I want is company or to be held and told I’m pretty. I just want to know what real love feels like. I’ve never experienced being truly loved. Everyone I’ve been with but one, confused the hell out of me. I’m socially inept. I don’t understand the subtleties. I don’t pay attention to things like body language, or passive aggressive attempts at communication. Fucking tell me what you’re thinking or feeling. We’re grownups. Open your goddamned mouth and discuss it. Anything I do as a result of your ill attempt at dropping hints is your fault if I overlook them. I just don’t understand why people have such a hard time being direct. Sure, people may say I’m a bitch, but at least people know what I’m trying to say. At least I’m honest. I don’t live many things about myself, but my ability to speak my mind, is probably my favorite thing about being me. You should try it sometime.image

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