Tragically torn

So she’s back. She’s amazing, she takes care of you, she treats you so well it doesn’t seem real. She’s stunningly beautiful with a heart to match.

But there’s a dark side…
She’s resentful because of all the things you’ve done out of pure selfishness and spite. She’s betrayed you, she’s hurt you, she’s said things that sting at the mere thought so you fired back harder. In your blind rage, you’ve said and done things that seemed justifiable at the time but we’re just cruel and you now see that now that your words and actions aren’t driven by irrational, red hot fury. You’ve hurt her, and she doesn’t let you live it down. Not for a single moment. She’s addicted, not only to you, but has a monkey on her back that you can’t shake loose with a baseball bat. And this, this burden she carries on her back, weighs twice as much on your heart. You don’t want to be an idiot. You don’t want to lose her, you don’t want let go, but holding on its just as difficult. How do you know if this is the choice for you? The luxury of being with someone so generous is addictive. You’re hooked. She’s got you, she’s pulling you under and then… you realize you can’t breathe…you kick ass hard as you can to get to the surface just to get a mouthful of air only to be pulled under again. It’s exciting and so so terrifying but being the adrenaline junkie you are, you keep going back. The rush of the fiery passion between the two of you is unreal. So you question if it truly is because what goes up must come down, what seems too good to be true probably is…RIGHT? So you pull away. You’ve got others that want to be yours. Others that are successful, brilliant, attractive and want to spoil the shit out of you. So with your son in mind, you start weighing out the options. You start thinking, financial stability is very important. You’re unable to work due to your own health issues so you’re looking for someone whom is able to take some of that burden off your shoulders. She says she’s willing, you believe her, but why is it if you settle in with her, you feel like you can’t breathe, heart races, and you go into a flight or fight response and the anxiety is so much to bear. She’s willing to do anything to win your heart. But there she is staring at it through the glass case, and just a few tickets shy of claiming what she feels is rightfully hers. You know she deserves it…but you just can’t hand it over in its fragile state. You ask for time. You ask for the opportunity to date around and wait to make a commitment out of it. Commitment scares you. When adopting your cat, You wouldn’t even consider getting a kitten because you can’t commit to that responsibility. You are on a prepaid phone plan because you’re so scared to commit to anything. This must mean she isn’t the right one…or maybe it’s you. Your fucked up perception on relationship. It’s easier to keep distance but it doesn’t stop the pain you’re about to cause by pushing her away again.

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