Here I am, alone again. Relief flooded with loneliness. I haven’t gone a single day without you crossing my mind. But at least now, my thoughts aren’t as clouded as they once were. Once I stumbled upon another one of your kind, I saw the game before he would play his next move. Always a dramatic event that was more unbelievable than the last. Just like your kidney failures and multiple hospital stays that were life threatening…for attention, and to keep me off your back when you were doing something you didn’t want me to know about. I am now fully aware of where we both went wrong. I was so dependent on you. I would do my typical push and pull with you as I do with everyone I become close with. I’d push, you’d pull, we would take turns playing tug of war with each other’s hearts. I would still do anything for you within reason.
As you probably already knew, she lost it again. Although this time, it was so much worse. It ended in violence. You would have never hit me. You would never have done the things she did. The pain I feel from the injuries I sustained from her attacks is unfathomable to anyone but me. The third time, I finally broke. I snapped like a twig under a pair of hiking boots and beat her until my knuckles bled. And still…I’m the only one that suffers. The multiple kicks and punches I took to the back have nearly left me feeling crippled. Each breath feels like a dull blade is being driven and twisted into my spine and I’ve killed my stomach from all of the arthrotec I’ve been taking because I’ve been too stressed to eat. You were right. I hate that about you. You’re always fucking right.
I miss you. You used to be my best friend and I loved you with all my heart. Now when I need someone to talk to, I have nobody. For what it’s worth, I’m deeply remorseful about what I did. My tongue tends to get slippery when soaked with spirits and sorrow. I think about you whenever I wash my dishes. How we did them together. When I pick up my guitar, when I listen to music, when a new guy approaches me I find myself comparing them to you. Since I’m nodding off, I’m going to end this entry and hope you’ll see it. I love you.