Here I lay with a hollow chest, nor the slightest twinkle of life in my eyes. The sheets feel cold and so does my skin and I realize, it’s because so am I. The blood in my body remains motionless because my battered, blackened heart no longer has the strength to continue beating. I’m atrophied, wasted, and out of my mind. Wide awake, no longer sedated by your words. You gutted me like it was hunting season, laced up your sneakers and stomped away kicking sand into my weary eyes. I thought you loved me. Maybe you did, but I ripped you apart too many times. Ripped away the best pieces trying to
Keep them for myself only to find they would soon wither away, leaving you incomplete. The damage is done. Its beyond repair. We are no longer. It’s just you. And. Me. I wish you happiness. I hope you find peace. I hope you find the pieces of yourself I tried to keep. I hope you find out who you are. I will always adore you. But sometimes, the things that we love most, are the things that kill us.
I got another silent call from an unknown number this evening. I’m assuming it’s you because I know you still love me as I love you. This is awful. I’ve come to resulting to to reducing myself to taking company with stressful people trying to fill that void in my heart that you’ve left me with. I’m suspecting that the current man I’m seeing is just a liar too. I’m afraid of loving and living without you. You’re my cornerstone and the one that makes me feel like I’m safe. Although towards the end before she broke things off, you were anything but the guy I fell for which later I would come to find was all a facade. A mere ruse to make me feel like I had found the one. Instead I ended up being someone that I would become obsessed with. Wtf. Me.. obsessed over you. Makes not a bit of sense. I have tried to look back and try to think about the good times. Like when I moved In with my sister and you came to see me all the time. The very first time you came to see me we all walked down to the store together and you called me your little cuntcake. I loved when you called me that. We would bite each other and you would always squeeze my nose. They thought we were weird, but we didn’t care. We were in our world and it was fun to have that with you. But that didn’t last…
My sister loves me and wants me to be happy and be treated well. She didn’t like that you were with someone else and that you didn’t take care of me monetarily. She’s traditional like that. I didn’t mind. It wasn’t like we were engaged or anything. I was smitten with you and I think I still am. You were the only person who stuck around. I’m hoping in time, you’ll come back into my life. We can forgive and forget. And start anew.
I was thinking to myself this morning. About the baby. I would’ve been due in January. If I had known, I would’ve kept it. Although, I’m not certain you would be involved. You did refer to Brady as your son and turned your back on him so I’m unsure you would want to be a father. But that would’ve been one beautiful baby.
It’s hard to believe that we were so obsessed with each other but didn’t ever sleep together for over 2 years. It was an old fashioned courtship. Although when we did, it was intense
Since hanging out with her, I think more and more about you because the truth is, I am not over you…you weren’t just one of the people I fooled around with. For the quick fix for loneliness when I couldn’t have you. I know in my heart that you didn’t intend for us to happen even though you had a crazy crush on me in high school. (Which I thought was so cute when you told me that) I never expected for a single moment that when you pulled up to my house that I would have been so attracted to you. I thought it would be fun to catch up with an old friend. I fell for you hard and fast. I’m not sure why. It seemed perfect. We seemed so in sync with one another. Little did I know, you were a chameleon. You blend. You pretend. I was wounded, and you wanted to fix me. I know I was impossible at times, but you broke me. I’m broken. I am unable to trust a single soul with my heart because you kicked it around in the dirt until I no longer had a pulse. Just a cold vacancy in my chest. It wasn’t so much what you did…it was the realization that the person I fell in love with didn’t exist. It was a lie. All a big fucking lie. So I bid thee farewell…whoever you are.
I can’t breathe. I know you’re in town and the fact that there have been no attempts to contact me from your end is a pain that is simply unbearable. It’s like I can feel my soul, my very essence, being pulled through a tiny hole that has been drilled into the pit of my stomach. Like a loose thread being pulled from my favorite sweater eventually causing me to completely unravel. I’m reduced to a pathetic pile of mess. Completely tangled, unrecognizable, and eventually will become an urban tumbleweed. So I’ve spent money I do not have to spare on a pack of smokes and a $5 bottle of wine to try and mask this horrid sinking feeling, full the emptiness…the void you’ve left me with. I know I wasn’t exactly cordial during our last verbal exchange. For that I’m sorry. If there were anything I could do to change it, I would.
I’m still so confused about how I feel. Why do I need you? Why do I feel like I’m dying? Why can’t I forget about us? I can walk away from people and never look back but why can’t I do that with you? I would do anything to see your face approach my front door but I know you’re leaving tomorrow. Hope is lost. I know you. You wouldn’t trouble yourself to make the attempt.
Just know this…I miss you. Nobody can take your place. And believe me, I’ve tried.