Still raw

Thinking of you Rob… I miss your laugh, your hugs, your smile, your eyes…your voice. My annual vacation was not without void, to say the least. I can still hear you in the back of my head warding me away from bad decisions. You’ve taken it upon yourself to protect me from myself just like you used to. I’m growing stronger each and every day. But…I don’t want to because I’m scared the second I do, I won’t hear you anymore. I’ve been fortunate enough to hear your voice since your passing… others wish they could. I wish I could make that happen for them but I can’t.

As you know, I have recently had my heart broken, yet again, from the same person that has broken it again and again over the passed 3 years.the pain has lessened but now and then, he crosses my mind and I have to fight from itching that scratch to send another email that will go unanswered. I am no longer going to give him a MOMENT of my time. And I’m happy to say, I sometimes go days without him crossing my mind. I know I’m okay sans andrew. I’m okay. I’ve met someone. We’re only friends thus far, but it could turn into something. He knows the things I need and is willing to meet those needs happily. He’s been helping me all weekend with household repairs and house work and just returns my thanks by saying “thank you for letting me hang out with you and Brady. It couldn’t get any better than this.”  True appreciation from someone whom truly cares. He actually bought me a stun gun to protect myself from my crazy ex whom has ruined almost every aspect of my life as a matter of fact, the reason he’s been helping me so much is because I got a call from cps because of her. Because we got into a fight and the police were called. The woman that contacted me will be here on Tuesday. I’m beyond nervous. If I lose my baby, the only person I truly care if is in my life, I’ll have nothing to live for. My son is my everything. 

Rob, if somehow, you get this message, please, please watch over us on Tuesday. Have my back. You know how much I love Brady. And I love you too. I miss your face. I miss you so fucking much Rob. I’m grateful that I was fortunate enough to know you, to be close to you and love you.

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Still can’t believe it.

It’s been over a month since you took your last breath. Where your body lay stationary on the cool, coarse pavement.

Everyday had been agony since.

I would never have be able to tell you the thoughts and feelings I had for buried deep behind the darkened parts of my soul. I kept it shaded. You were the flame that ignited spark in everyone you touched. For some of us, you were a miracle. You were my touch stone in this tropical wasteland. The lighthouse that would guide me through the blackest of storms. You would mute  the sirens that would sing their echantments to seduce me towards death.

Your eyes were a sea of emotion.
Your heart defined the word “empathy”.
Your embrace was more effective to cure all ailments that burdened the soul of the recipient than any other remedy than anyone could conceive.

It was a pleasure to know you. It was a treasure to be endowed with your friendship And one was wealthy to have a place in your heart.

You’ll be missed my dearest friend. I wanted to make you proud. I will do everything in my power to continue to do just that. I love you.