I don’t like to think that genders have roles but the fact of the matter is, they do. Socially, culturally…we fit into the slot the best we know how and live our lives as we feel comfortable. There are plenty of stereotypes that happen to be true… not for everyone, but often enough it is the reality.
I like to think of myself as progressive and open minded But I have expectations of myself that fall into what some people look at as outdated. I have a special needs child and because of this, I am a stay at home parent. I have expectations of myself. those expectations are to make sure the house is clean and safe, do the laundry and i do the cooking. Much of the time, I fail to keep up with these things because of superficial shit that 99% of us are guilty of. Facebook, E-mails, Pintrest…whatever. Social networking and the internet is a real problem for me as it is for most people.
I am in a great relationship. We both are damaged but for the most part, functional and productive. I hold these standards for myself. He does not hold the same standards for me as I do for myself but I’m used to being the “woman” in the sense that I should assume these responsibilities because I am in the home more often than he is. but because of this, I have inadvertently, subconsciously, developed expectations for him.
I’m used to men being sexually driven and being with one that is not, even though we had experienced one another long ago, is tiresome. I dont think its an attraction issue. I don’t think it has to do with skill or keeping things interesting. It’s just not a favorite thing to do for him. My memory sparks up and I remember, hes always been this way. I was his first and still, not his favorite thing to do. He enjoys the cuddling, talking, etc. Its the emotional intimacy that he loves. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE that. Its great. but the thrill is gone when it comes to the passion, getting tangled in the sheets, pouring sweat, that thirst for one another that is animalistic. Unshakable. Now…it really doesn’t take much to “punch a hole in the raft” so to speak.I’m not innocent. I’m not always tactful. I speak before I think. I have no filter.
Sometimes I wish it were easier to flip it back on. I miss being thrown down and being devoured. I miss the beginning even though our relationship has grown so much. Maybe it was too soon for him. Maybe the wounds from his divorce haven’t healed… I love him anyway. I love all of him but I cant help but think that it has something to do with me.