365

365 days have gone by since I heard the chime that brought you back into my life.  

I have never been so grateful to hear what was a mere annoyance before it was you that triggered the sound. 

I remember looking down at the screen seeing your mother’s picture in the tiny circle that displayed the number one in red.  

My heartbeat quickened, uncertain of what the response could be.  Nobody had heard from you, you’d deleted your facebook account, your wife no longer had pictures of you in hers but another man instead.  I had no idea what to expect.  The feeling of  but what should’ve been relief swept over me. Thinking something horrible had happened.  It had,  but not what i was thinking and hoping not be true.  I hesitated to open that message on fear of what it might say. I swallowed my glass of wine and released the glass from my grip as I lazily poured another glass splashing little droplets onto the table and used my oversized t-shirt to wipe off the glass and pressed it to my lips filling my mouth with the courage I needed to convince myself everything was okay and to open the message.  
It was from you.  You sent me your number in which I promptly texted.  My stomach was swimming with butterflies and my trembling hands were clumsily sweeping across the screen. Then you called. It had been ages since I had heard your voice. The butterflies multiplied.  You told me What I had found out from an old friend of ours,  you and your wife were now divorced.  Knowing you, I knew you would view this as a failure,  I knew you’d blame yourself, which was one reason I feared the worst.  

We arranged to meet the following day and I’ll never forget the feeling of instant relief when you greeted me by taking me in your arms.  I felt like a beaten soldier that had just returned home from war… and from then on, we were inseparable. When we weren’t physically together, we were in constant communication with each other.  We fell in love again instantly.  

If someone were to ask me 367 days ago if I’d end up with my first love after 20 years, the response would have been much different than the actual outcome. 

Everyday,  I’m so grateful for this second chance to be in your arms, feel you next to me as you sleep, to hear your voice say the sweetest things to me as you hold me tight and kiss me goodbye as you rush off to work. No matter what, you always say goodbye.  Tell me you’re so happy to be back in your life.  

I love you, Joel Mesaros.  I always have, and I always will. No matter what. 

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