Category Archives: depression

Things aren’t what they seem.

It’s strange how quickly emotions can shift. I miss him but not sure if I NEED him anymore. I’ve been creating a distance trying to separate myself emotionally for the guy whom has been tethered to my heart for 3 years. It’s been exhausting. Being the other woman, never sleeping together but coming close. I reduced myself to the other girl and all of my feelings are a result of my own decisions. Granted, he has a way of forming words into a work of art that sounds like angels singing every word a girl has been dying to hear…needing to hear, their entire lives. Leaving cracks in that hard shell i encase my heart in, then Borrowing deep inside like a parasite that feeds off of my joy, sadness, insecurities, talents, and leaving me feeling empty, hopeless, neglected and worst of all, unworthy of love and happiness. I’m just tired of being treated like I’m disposable. I’m terrified to get attached to anyone new because statistically, it is likely he/she will end up being the same way. It will end with me crying over a pint of Ben and jerrys and a 6 pk of reds apple ale trying desperately to numb the agony that that will eventually leave me with emotional paralysis and a broken heart. I’m becoming jaded, cold, and callous. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that belongs with another…who knows.image

Not a single wink

My mind roars through the night like a storm siren. I managed to drown out the wails by finishing the second season of Orange is the new black and a documentary about Bettie page. I’m wiped but I’m wired… wondering if my choices were the right ones over the past few weeks. The love of my life moved 2000 miles away, considering this has been a turbulent yet incredibly addictive, magnetic, beautifully disastrous relationship, I’ve decided to move forward and accept the fact that he’s gone and not coming back. We both know that our hearts beat for no one else but each other, the separation has been less than easy to cope with for me. I’ve cried countless amounts of tears have been absorbed into my pillow. After having something for a brief period that for 3 years I yearned for it has really triggered my fears of abandonment. My ptsd is raging through my head like a like a rabid blood thirsty animal sucking me dry of all hope for happiness. But I suppose that’s how everything works out for me. I get an awesome phone, it’s broken within a couple of days, I buy a car, breaks down within a few weeks, the love of my life moves in, he’s gone in a month. Moves to California. He told me he would fly me there in a couple of months but it hasn’t happened. I’m pretty certain it probably won’t. All extra money goes to levis and the dispensary across the street from his studio in NOHO. I’m happy for him and I’m happy he’s made his dream come true but I just wish we were a part of it because heaven knows being with him is mine.

I started dating a very successful, attractive, intelligent and interesting man. I like him but when thinking of the one who has my heart, and how that turned out, I’m shaking in my chuck Taylor’s at the thought of being hurt. My emotions are just stirring under the surface of my skin like watching fish swim under a thin sheet of ice after the first freeze of the winter. The slightest pressure causes me to crack and the raw emotion comes gushing to the surface. The therapy I’ve been attending has made me even more fragile so I can’t even pretend anymore. So I’m in hiding. Just waiting for the next big freeze so it won’t be so easy to see those fish swimming or until I can keep the spear fishers at bay.

Maybe it’s some kind of karmic retribution. Maybe, I was a horrible person…maybe I AM a horrible person. I know I’ve said some pretty shitty things. I can be a very cruel person when provoked. Perhaps this is my punishment. A life of heartache, loss, grief and frustration. Bipolar disorder, major depression, severe anxiety, severe adhd, severe PTSD, oppositional defiance disorder… I need therapy. No matter how crappy I may feel now, maybe at the end of it all I won’t feel like I NEED someone around all the time. Just my son and myself. That’s all I should need but presently…it’s torture. As soon as the sun starts setting, my pulse quickens, my palms become sweaty, and I’m overcome with sheer dread and I’m desperately reaching out…more like clawing for attention because being alone just leads me to believe that I’m not worthy of being loved. I feel so stupid saying it, because I know it’s not true. It’s programmed into my brain that if I’m alone, I’ve been abandoned, nobody loves me, blah blah blah… I’m a whiney little bitch. So I started writing. Something I’m not horrible at. Started playing my guitar more, singing more, and although I’m so sick of Frozen I give in, mirroring the movements of Elsa and anna singing along putting on a live show for my little boy as well as dr horrible while listening to my son giggle because these things make me forget that I am 32, never been married,bat shit crazy, and a single mother of an adorable, autistic, insanely hyperactive little boy who makes noise constantly unless he’s sleeping, if he  decides to sleep that is. Although he’s so amazing, my hero, my little musician and vocalist… he intimidates people. As do I. But I won’t make anymore compromises. Accept US completely. We aren’t a perfect family but damnit.   We are very worth it. I’m alive. I’m okay. We’re okay. We’re survivors.

Siren songs

another. torture, sadistic, masochistic. Too many people hurt crushed the seemingly softness of my hand wrapped around your fragile little heart. I’ll tell you to run from it before I get buried in too deep because I’ll only pull away ripping it from your chest…meanwhile, your beating heart in my Palm and watching you gasp for air, mine has shattered inside my chest . Watching the suffering, the storm stirring in your eyes, then watching the rain fall from your sky. Why am I doing this? Why do I commit to live in discontent… I’ll sing my lonely lullabies luring you in… dragging you down into my ocean, to hold someone for awhile until they drown. In my sea of lonely tears. Then while trying to revive their lifeless body I feel like I’m dying. I float back to the top with my tears  rising the waters. And I’ll sing, I’ll see your hand reaching  but I’ll just pull you down. You’ll love every second…until you can’t breathe. I’m a siren, leading you to certain death your body intact, but no life in your eyes.

Nostalgia

myself are Driving down a country road, I’m overcome by the scent of the corn fields In bloom . I picture my sister and I playing hide and seek with each other in the what seemed like endless rows of  towering stalks. The mud swishing between our toes, the dogs barking and chasing us playfully through the fields, breaking off a cobb and chucking it for them to find… makes me miss the carefree feeling of being a child. We would catch wild animals and bring them inside to keep as pets until mom told found out.I love the smells of my past and how quickly it can send me back in time to a point where I was happy. Where nothing mattered other than which Barbie is going to marry gi Joe today or what flavor of gum to get at the gas station with the spare change I found in the couch. As years passed, it became what can I do to avoid being beaten today?  Am I going to see my mom today? Tomorrow? Why do I feel as though I have to let people hurt me, or take from me in order for them to LOVE me? Why do I want these people to love me? Why won’t anyone protect me? I miss the cornfields…and the wonderful respite that was my early 20’s. In Florida, listening to the palms in the seabreeze whilst holding one in my hand. The soft sand between my toes, the taste of the salt on my lips, the feeling of my hair after the salt had settled on every strand naturally dreading my hair making me feel like a bohemian beauty while I am swoon by the sweet smell of coconuts while the other girls gloss their thin, tan bodies with Hawaiian tropic. STILL…to this very day, I adore the scent of coconuts. Whenever I get whiff of it,  my eyes close and my mind is back there. Listening to the waves, the palms, feeling the salt, sand and calm. Calm. Something I rarely feel anymore. But nostalgia can help me pretend for a little while.

Forged farewell

We’re Senseless,
And Reckless,
You’re Pain
You’re bliss
You’re agony and ecstasy
I love you,
I hate you.
I want to hold you,
Choke you.
Kiss you,
Kill you.
Give you life,
Then take it away.
I adore you.
I despise you.
You Satisfy me,
Sicken me.
You’re nothing
And everything.
Nurture me,
Destroy me.
My dream
And Nightmare.
Heaven and hell
I’m a mouse,
You’re the wheel.
Going nowhere.
Breathless.
Stationary.
Moving at the speed of sound.
As fast as my heartbeat.
It could give anytime…
You’ve broken it,
Glued it,
Shattered it.
Taped it,
Crushed it,
Stitched it.
Devoured it,
Heaved it onto the floor at me feet.
There is nothing left to mend.
I’m empty,
I’m Hollow.
My legs are too heavy to walk away.
You opened my eyes
Then blinded me.
Put me together
Then took me a part.
Made me feel
Bliss.
Pain.
Pain.
Sorrow
Rage.
Fear.
Pain.
Barren and blissful
Mirth and misery.
Devotion and despair.

I was comfortable
Content
You left.
Gone.
Alone.
Agony.
Tyranny and torment.
Longing and loathing.
You’re nothing
You’re everything.
You’re gone.
I’m breathless.
Lifeless.
Emotionally emaciated.

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Broken Bettie

Here I am. It’s precisely 12:03 am on a Saturday night. My cell phone is sounding off with text messages and notifications sounding like windchimes in the midst of a hurricane. Texts from my ex girlfriend telling me she misses me, texts from a guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago, messages from dating sites with men all saying the same thing or something meaningless and mundane at an attempt to break the ice…the truth is, I like the attention but it isn’t their attention I need.

Falling in love is a truly masochistic thing. I mean, how many relationships do most of us go through before we find the one that we are supposed to be with? And if you do happen to find that one person whom can put your whirling thoughts to rest, make you feel sane and crazy all at once, who’s whispers cover you like a soft blanket fresh from the dryer on a frigid February night comforting you in ways you never thought possible, the one that you don’t feel the need to pretend with.. their crazy compliments your crazy.It dances in a way that can only be interpreted by the two of you… if you’re lucky enough to find that one entity that one soul that makes you feel like you’re not alone in the universe…you could STILL lose him/her. And your heart is something so very fragile to gamble with…sure, you can win it back, but the one who claimed it as their bounty won’t cradle it quite like you did and you’ll likely get it back In pieces spending years trying to get those pieces to fit back together with trembling hands. Love stricken. Stunned like a bird that had flown into a glass window. More often than not, love ends. And with what always seems like an untimely death, and then comes the pain. That warm blanket had been snatched from your now naked body and you’re exposed to the elements and you just can’t seem to mask the agony that now lies at the pit of your stomach and it fills you completely reflecting through your eyes for the world to see. That thing we call love. Now feeling the unraveling of my soul being pulled outward as I begin to let go of whom I adore I’m left empty. Nothing left…makes me think really long and hard about jumping into its depths with both feet again…i think I’ll wade here on the shoreline for awhile. This way I can see what lies beneath my feet. I’ll continue to go out on dates with impressive people, interesting people, funny people, talented people, but I know, deep down, there will never be another like the one I long for tonight. At 12:46,am. IMG_21979321000403