Category Archives: grief and loss

On my mind, and forever in my heart

It’s been over 6 months but my heart still aches everyday.  Your birthday is coming up. I think about all of the birthdays we celebrated together.  Posts, pictures, memories…

           I am wondering if this ache will ever fade.  I wonder if I’ll always be fighting back the tears. If I’ll always feel this way. Like I’ve lost a piece of myself. 

           I flip through the pictures. I keep them in my phone.  In a way,  I don’t want the pain to fade because I never want to forget just how important you are to me, and the world.

              For your birthday,  I will make a promise.  You will never be forgotten. Your pictures will remain within reach and on my mirror to remind me how important you will remain. Just because I can’t call you,  I still hear your voice.  Sometimes, I hear music.  I know it’s you.  I feel it.  Thank you for being here for me even though I can’t feel your warm hugs, I still feel the love.  I love you. 

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Damnation

Affiliation and impersonation, consolation and determination lead to unification

Manipulation disguised as adoration  then fertilization and insemination.

Realization followed by termination in  with justification in fear of deformation.

then devastation.

Now deviation, defamation, consolidation,  revocation.  Humiliation.  Mortification. 

Devastation. 
Devastation
Regret and devastation.

Still raw

Thinking of you Rob… I miss your laugh, your hugs, your smile, your eyes…your voice. My annual vacation was not without void, to say the least. I can still hear you in the back of my head warding me away from bad decisions. You’ve taken it upon yourself to protect me from myself just like you used to. I’m growing stronger each and every day. But…I don’t want to because I’m scared the second I do, I won’t hear you anymore. I’ve been fortunate enough to hear your voice since your passing… others wish they could. I wish I could make that happen for them but I can’t.

As you know, I have recently had my heart broken, yet again, from the same person that has broken it again and again over the passed 3 years.the pain has lessened but now and then, he crosses my mind and I have to fight from itching that scratch to send another email that will go unanswered. I am no longer going to give him a MOMENT of my time. And I’m happy to say, I sometimes go days without him crossing my mind. I know I’m okay sans andrew. I’m okay. I’ve met someone. We’re only friends thus far, but it could turn into something. He knows the things I need and is willing to meet those needs happily. He’s been helping me all weekend with household repairs and house work and just returns my thanks by saying “thank you for letting me hang out with you and Brady. It couldn’t get any better than this.”  True appreciation from someone whom truly cares. He actually bought me a stun gun to protect myself from my crazy ex whom has ruined almost every aspect of my life as a matter of fact, the reason he’s been helping me so much is because I got a call from cps because of her. Because we got into a fight and the police were called. The woman that contacted me will be here on Tuesday. I’m beyond nervous. If I lose my baby, the only person I truly care if is in my life, I’ll have nothing to live for. My son is my everything. 

Rob, if somehow, you get this message, please, please watch over us on Tuesday. Have my back. You know how much I love Brady. And I love you too. I miss your face. I miss you so fucking much Rob. I’m grateful that I was fortunate enough to know you, to be close to you and love you.

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Still can’t believe it.

It’s been over a month since you took your last breath. Where your body lay stationary on the cool, coarse pavement.

Everyday had been agony since.

I would never have be able to tell you the thoughts and feelings I had for buried deep behind the darkened parts of my soul. I kept it shaded. You were the flame that ignited spark in everyone you touched. For some of us, you were a miracle. You were my touch stone in this tropical wasteland. The lighthouse that would guide me through the blackest of storms. You would mute  the sirens that would sing their echantments to seduce me towards death.

Your eyes were a sea of emotion.
Your heart defined the word “empathy”.
Your embrace was more effective to cure all ailments that burdened the soul of the recipient than any other remedy than anyone could conceive.

It was a pleasure to know you. It was a treasure to be endowed with your friendship And one was wealthy to have a place in your heart.

You’ll be missed my dearest friend. I wanted to make you proud. I will do everything in my power to continue to do just that. I love you.

Jigsaw

My heart has been taken apart and put back together. But like all puzzles, over the years, pieces come up missing. Each heart break has resulted in pieces lost.

On 11/24/2014, a big chunk of the puzzle has been lost. Forever. A gypsy soul, a dear friend, someone whom I love, adore,  would’ve done anything for, well his heart seized after he tragically collided his motorcycle into a construction vehicle resulting in him being thrown into the back of an audi, then on to the hard concrete where he died.

Words cannot begin to say the sorrow I feel in my heart. I wanted you to know, Robert Lowe, you were so very special to me. I love you. You had a huge place in my heart, and a great deal of who I am,I owe to you.

These pieces are gone. They will never be returned. They died with you that day. You’ll always have them. So hold onto them tightly, until we meet again. Once again, I love you my dear friend.

Realizations

It’s over.  And I’m glad.  I need to rid myself of people whom make me feel less than.  I’m perfectly imperfect.  I have flaws and I embrace them.  I am not a martyr, a messiah nor am I anyone’s hero.  I love my child I’m a good mother and that is all I need to be. I’m nothing to you nothing to anyone but my child.  You say I’m used up. .. you say I use people. . Well who cares what you have to say? You’re a speck. A tiny speck. All of us are.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I’ve made my mistakes and in time, I’ll learn from all of them all.  I have no regrets.  Do I miss you,  sometimes.  Do I want to have contact. .. sometimes.  But do I NEED you?  Well. .. I’ve made it this long,  and I think I’m doing fine.  I’m beginning to think for myself again.  Wear my hair how I want to wear it,  wear my make up, clothes whatever without your ridicule, criticism, or as you like to call it,  guidance. 

You once told me,  after I had stated that you weren’t sweet to me anymore.  You never complimented me or said things to make me feel good about myself, that is how you’re supposed to mold someone into what you want them to be. How you train them.  At the time I thought you were joking. Well hind sight really is 20/20.

Im fine just the way I am.  I have plenty of people that think I’m beautiful just as I am. .. although the pin up look,  that was my doing.  You just tried to take credit. You encouraged me to dye my hair,  change my style, dress and look how I did when I was 16. I took a little of that and ran with it.  I dyed my hair. .. but not how you wanted but it looks awesome.  I look awesome.  I will say one thing. .. you helped me find myself.  How I’m most comfortable.  Except the yoga pants.  I don’t give a shit how much you hate them.  They make my ass looks hot and they are comfy as fuck. 

I thought that you would be “the one that got away” but,  I think I’m the one that got away.  There is a reason I couldnt stick with the idea of moving away.  I realized,  if you really felt how how you claimed to feel,  you wouldn’t have left me hanging.  You would’ve helped me get there.  You don’t really love me.  You never did. 

So as I put a close to this post, I’m just going to wish you luck.  If you call,  you know I’ll answer, shoot me an email, I’ll reply. .. but I’ll never fall like that again.  Not for you.  I don’t even know who you are. 

Tragically torn

So she’s back. She’s amazing, she takes care of you, she treats you so well it doesn’t seem real. She’s stunningly beautiful with a heart to match.

But there’s a dark side…
She’s resentful because of all the things you’ve done out of pure selfishness and spite. She’s betrayed you, she’s hurt you, she’s said things that sting at the mere thought so you fired back harder. In your blind rage, you’ve said and done things that seemed justifiable at the time but we’re just cruel and you now see that now that your words and actions aren’t driven by irrational, red hot fury. You’ve hurt her, and she doesn’t let you live it down. Not for a single moment. She’s addicted, not only to you, but has a monkey on her back that you can’t shake loose with a baseball bat. And this, this burden she carries on her back, weighs twice as much on your heart. You don’t want to be an idiot. You don’t want to lose her, you don’t want let go, but holding on its just as difficult. How do you know if this is the choice for you? The luxury of being with someone so generous is addictive. You’re hooked. She’s got you, she’s pulling you under and then… you realize you can’t breathe…you kick ass hard as you can to get to the surface just to get a mouthful of air only to be pulled under again. It’s exciting and so so terrifying but being the adrenaline junkie you are, you keep going back. The rush of the fiery passion between the two of you is unreal. So you question if it truly is because what goes up must come down, what seems too good to be true probably is…RIGHT? So you pull away. You’ve got others that want to be yours. Others that are successful, brilliant, attractive and want to spoil the shit out of you. So with your son in mind, you start weighing out the options. You start thinking, financial stability is very important. You’re unable to work due to your own health issues so you’re looking for someone whom is able to take some of that burden off your shoulders. She says she’s willing, you believe her, but why is it if you settle in with her, you feel like you can’t breathe, heart races, and you go into a flight or fight response and the anxiety is so much to bear. She’s willing to do anything to win your heart. But there she is staring at it through the glass case, and just a few tickets shy of claiming what she feels is rightfully hers. You know she deserves it…but you just can’t hand it over in its fragile state. You ask for time. You ask for the opportunity to date around and wait to make a commitment out of it. Commitment scares you. When adopting your cat, You wouldn’t even consider getting a kitten because you can’t commit to that responsibility. You are on a prepaid phone plan because you’re so scared to commit to anything. This must mean she isn’t the right one…or maybe it’s you. Your fucked up perception on relationship. It’s easier to keep distance but it doesn’t stop the pain you’re about to cause by pushing her away again.