Category Archives: romance

Lucky girl

I’m just the luckiest girl in the world. My boyfriend watched my son overnight  so I could go hang out with my mom and sister, I have to get a procedure done and he texts me to say that he got the days off and approved by management within an hr or 2 of me telling him when it was scheduled, he buys me pickles every time he goes to the grocery store, he goes to all of my son’s IEP meetings, tells me I’m pretty everyday and never makes me feel badly for feeling upset or crying. I never feel like I can’t tell him if something is bothering me,  I can talk to him about anything, we sing System of a down together in the car, play guitar hero, I feel valued and appreciated and he makes me laugh. 

He’s smart, observant, intuitive, compassionate,  affectionate, loving,  witty, empathetic and perceptive.

He’s my best friend. 

You tried to beat me down. 

You lifted me up so I would fall harder. 

And I fell. 

It hurt. 

Though I was bleeding and bruised, 

I staggered to my feet. 

You said I was your everything. 

You claimed to love me. 

But then you’d see a loose thread on my sweater and pull. 

Pull me apart and watch me unravel on the floor. 

Then with your tongue to lash at my flesh. 

Your words leaving welts on my heart.

Again, bruised and bleeding, you help me to my feet, clean me up.

Only to push me down again. 

I became numb. 

I couldn’t feel the pain but in turn,

I could no longer feel the tenderness of love. 

I was a machine. I was a game. I was a game you were losing.

 And you lost. 

But someone else came along and found the reset button. 

Tuned me up and I’m as good as new. 

I can feel. I was wrong. 

I’m no machine. 

I’m real. He’s real. WE’RE REAL. 

Acceptance and understanding brought me back to life. 

I can breathe and there is no heaviness on my chest. Suffocating me. Smothering me. 

He knows me. All of me. Every me that ever was. 

This is what love is. 

And it’s bliss. 

When it’s real… 

Right now,  somewhere,  some poor kid is falling in love for the first time, and it’s likely it won’t last forever.  I think pretty much everyone is born a romantic.  when we’re young,  we all have these ideals of what love is supposed to be. A fairytale that has been pounded into our heads or entire lives that isn’t realistic and seems to take ud by surprise when we learn that life just doesn’t usually work that way. but still,  young, niave and hopeful, we keep going.  clinging. just trying to force things to fit but it just. ..doesn’t.  

First loves are the purest. they are free of the baggage and skepticism that crush those ideals and sabotage our relationships. when that first love is lost,  you lose a huge chunk of yourself and you can literally feel it being ripped from your chest.  then you spend the rest of your days wandering aimlessly and blindfolded,  slamming into everything until someone takes your hand and lifts the cloth that’s pressed firmly against your eyes. a brand new face and then suddenly those ideals come creeping and you feel that heart pounding,  head rushing, tummy fluttering feeling and swear you’re hearing wedding bells and seeing fireworks.  still skeptical, you try to make sense of it thinking maybe it’s just my senses playing tricks on me.  My equilibrium is thrown off because It’s no longer dark,  my ears are ringing, I’m dizzy, it’s only because I can see again. some immediately reach for rose tinted glasses to make things seem to fit their original idea of love. 

I’m SO guilty of all of these things. I was left crippled by my first heartbreak and never fully recovered. every relationship after that one the blindfold stayed intact for the entire time. 
But then, one day, 2 major relationships, one broken engagement, a child, and twenty years later,  after consuming 2 cheap bottles of wine and a package of menthols armed with my smartphone and the Facebook app, I decided to do a little snooping (like I had done at least a dozen times before) on my first love. 

Last I’d seen, he was happily married and had been for the last decade, and had a son. I searched for him with no avail, so decided to check out the “wife’s”  Facebook profile only to find that although she still had his name, she was pictured with a different man and there were only a couple of pictures that were visible in which none of them included him or the children (which I found out later they had a second son) 
So panicked, thinking my one true love had perished tragically in some horrific accident, I found his mother and sent her a private message. 3 days went by and I got a response. not from her, but him! we arranged to meet the following day and when I ran up to hug him, that blindfold just slipped from my face and that part of me that always seemed to be missing, popped right back into place. 

We became inseparable. we’ve been together for 6 months. we are already living together and my heart still skips a beat when he texts or calls me from work, when I hear the door open and he walks through, and we still grasp and hold each other tight for at least a minute when he comes home. 

I’m so very lucky. I have never had such a feeling of completion. We’re actually HAPPY. Not just content… we’re truly happy. I never thought this was in the cards for me. I sure as hell never thought I would end up with him. 
He’s taken my son as his own. my son is autistic and is quite the handful but my love has helped us with a steady hand and I couldn’t be more grateful. 

I hope everyone gets to experience this. 

Second chance

I am elated, blissful, light and giddy. My life has turned into a plot line from a Nicholas Sparks novel and I’m falling madly in love for the second time with my first love.  20 years had passed since we’d last laid eyes on one another and the moment we had, it was like o time had passed at all. But here we are, 20 years, one marriage, several failed relationships and 3 children later, smitten with one another, texting every waking moment while apart but together in every possible chance. They say you never love quite the same as you do with your first… This is true. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never felt so alive and excited about waking up in the morning. Well,  Not since my freshman year in high school.

We’ve been inseparable for the last few weeks. We can both say “I love you” without hesitation and with complete confidence. It feels like I’m living a dream. I can’t focus, my mind is always drifting off to the man that has had my heart all of these years. Whenever I think of him, I’ll hear my phone ding and it a text from him saying he’s thinking of me. I never want to lose this feeling. I want to fly high on him forever.


Here I lay with a hollow chest, nor the slightest twinkle of life in my eyes. The sheets feel cold and so does my skin and I realize, it’s because so am I. The blood in my body remains motionless because my battered, blackened heart no longer has the strength to continue beating. I’m atrophied, wasted, and out of my mind. Wide awake, no longer sedated by your words. You gutted me like it was hunting season, laced up your sneakers and stomped away kicking sand into my weary eyes. I thought you loved me. Maybe you did, but I ripped you apart too many times. Ripped away the best pieces trying to
Keep them for myself only to find they would soon wither away, leaving you incomplete. The damage is done. Its beyond repair. We are no longer. It’s just you. And. Me. I wish you happiness. I hope you find peace. I hope you find the pieces of yourself I tried to keep. I hope you find out who you are. I will always adore you. But sometimes, the things that we love most, are the things that kill us.

Tragically torn

So she’s back. She’s amazing, she takes care of you, she treats you so well it doesn’t seem real. She’s stunningly beautiful with a heart to match.

But there’s a dark side…
She’s resentful because of all the things you’ve done out of pure selfishness and spite. She’s betrayed you, she’s hurt you, she’s said things that sting at the mere thought so you fired back harder. In your blind rage, you’ve said and done things that seemed justifiable at the time but we’re just cruel and you now see that now that your words and actions aren’t driven by irrational, red hot fury. You’ve hurt her, and she doesn’t let you live it down. Not for a single moment. She’s addicted, not only to you, but has a monkey on her back that you can’t shake loose with a baseball bat. And this, this burden she carries on her back, weighs twice as much on your heart. You don’t want to be an idiot. You don’t want to lose her, you don’t want let go, but holding on its just as difficult. How do you know if this is the choice for you? The luxury of being with someone so generous is addictive. You’re hooked. She’s got you, she’s pulling you under and then… you realize you can’t breathe…you kick ass hard as you can to get to the surface just to get a mouthful of air only to be pulled under again. It’s exciting and so so terrifying but being the adrenaline junkie you are, you keep going back. The rush of the fiery passion between the two of you is unreal. So you question if it truly is because what goes up must come down, what seems too good to be true probably is…RIGHT? So you pull away. You’ve got others that want to be yours. Others that are successful, brilliant, attractive and want to spoil the shit out of you. So with your son in mind, you start weighing out the options. You start thinking, financial stability is very important. You’re unable to work due to your own health issues so you’re looking for someone whom is able to take some of that burden off your shoulders. She says she’s willing, you believe her, but why is it if you settle in with her, you feel like you can’t breathe, heart races, and you go into a flight or fight response and the anxiety is so much to bear. She’s willing to do anything to win your heart. But there she is staring at it through the glass case, and just a few tickets shy of claiming what she feels is rightfully hers. You know she deserves it…but you just can’t hand it over in its fragile state. You ask for time. You ask for the opportunity to date around and wait to make a commitment out of it. Commitment scares you. When adopting your cat, You wouldn’t even consider getting a kitten because you can’t commit to that responsibility. You are on a prepaid phone plan because you’re so scared to commit to anything. This must mean she isn’t the right one…or maybe it’s you. Your fucked up perception on relationship. It’s easier to keep distance but it doesn’t stop the pain you’re about to cause by pushing her away again.

Isn’t life strange…

Sometimes you meet new people, sometimes it’s someone you’ve known forever but maybe lost touch for awhile, that person turns your world upside down. You’re head over heels for him and he is pretty much all you think about. You see his face pop up on your phone when he calls, your heart skips a beat and those butterflies in your tummy, that you once thought had all perished start flapping their little wings and you overthrown by this feeling you haven’t had in years. Then, you find out, this guy… someone you’ve known forever, is with someone else. He says he’s unhappy…you listen to the sob stories, offering empathy and comfort. He keeps coming back, playing with your child having as much fun as they are,

Continue reading Isn’t life strange…

Still dreaming

I’m angry at myself for missing something that wasn’t mine. Still thinking about our brief sample of what life could be like if we were together. It was so easy for you to just pick up and move away. Ditch me like one of those empty water bottles that used to litter the floor of your car. You can drop anything you love without ever picking it up again. Quit smoking cigarettes just like that, quit eating junk food and dropped me…not only me. Us. The three of us. He still asks about you. I still have your picture on my fridge and my heart still skips a beat when I see it. I keep asking myself…why? Why do I love someone that cannot love me? Why do I care when I can get a new boyfriend or girlfriend tomorrow if i really wanted to? I start to like someone and then it starts burning out before the spark even turns into a flame. Because i subconsciously push people out. It makes no sense because as soon as I sense that they are no longer interested I start clawing for their attention to the point I have back ups if the one I’m with isn’t readily accessible or available to give me attention. There is always an ex that will come to my aide even if all I want is company or to be held and told I’m pretty. I just want to know what real love feels like. I’ve never experienced being truly loved. Everyone I’ve been with but one, confused the hell out of me. I’m socially inept. I don’t understand the subtleties. I don’t pay attention to things like body language, or passive aggressive attempts at communication. Fucking tell me what you’re thinking or feeling. We’re grownups. Open your goddamned mouth and discuss it. Anything I do as a result of your ill attempt at dropping hints is your fault if I overlook them. I just don’t understand why people have such a hard time being direct. Sure, people may say I’m a bitch, but at least people know what I’m trying to say. At least I’m honest. I don’t live many things about myself, but my ability to speak my mind, is probably my favorite thing about being me. You should try it sometime.image