Category Archives: trauma

Damnation

Affiliation and impersonation, consolation and determination lead to unification

Manipulation disguised as adoration  then fertilization and insemination.

Realization followed by termination in  with justification in fear of deformation.

then devastation.

Now deviation, defamation, consolidation,  revocation.  Humiliation.  Mortification. 

Devastation. 
Devastation
Regret and devastation.

Still raw

Thinking of you Rob… I miss your laugh, your hugs, your smile, your eyes…your voice. My annual vacation was not without void, to say the least. I can still hear you in the back of my head warding me away from bad decisions. You’ve taken it upon yourself to protect me from myself just like you used to. I’m growing stronger each and every day. But…I don’t want to because I’m scared the second I do, I won’t hear you anymore. I’ve been fortunate enough to hear your voice since your passing… others wish they could. I wish I could make that happen for them but I can’t.

As you know, I have recently had my heart broken, yet again, from the same person that has broken it again and again over the passed 3 years.the pain has lessened but now and then, he crosses my mind and I have to fight from itching that scratch to send another email that will go unanswered. I am no longer going to give him a MOMENT of my time. And I’m happy to say, I sometimes go days without him crossing my mind. I know I’m okay sans andrew. I’m okay. I’ve met someone. We’re only friends thus far, but it could turn into something. He knows the things I need and is willing to meet those needs happily. He’s been helping me all weekend with household repairs and house work and just returns my thanks by saying “thank you for letting me hang out with you and Brady. It couldn’t get any better than this.”  True appreciation from someone whom truly cares. He actually bought me a stun gun to protect myself from my crazy ex whom has ruined almost every aspect of my life as a matter of fact, the reason he’s been helping me so much is because I got a call from cps because of her. Because we got into a fight and the police were called. The woman that contacted me will be here on Tuesday. I’m beyond nervous. If I lose my baby, the only person I truly care if is in my life, I’ll have nothing to live for. My son is my everything. 

Rob, if somehow, you get this message, please, please watch over us on Tuesday. Have my back. You know how much I love Brady. And I love you too. I miss your face. I miss you so fucking much Rob. I’m grateful that I was fortunate enough to know you, to be close to you and love you.

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Still can’t believe it.

It’s been over a month since you took your last breath. Where your body lay stationary on the cool, coarse pavement.

Everyday had been agony since.

I would never have be able to tell you the thoughts and feelings I had for buried deep behind the darkened parts of my soul. I kept it shaded. You were the flame that ignited spark in everyone you touched. For some of us, you were a miracle. You were my touch stone in this tropical wasteland. The lighthouse that would guide me through the blackest of storms. You would mute  the sirens that would sing their echantments to seduce me towards death.

Your eyes were a sea of emotion.
Your heart defined the word “empathy”.
Your embrace was more effective to cure all ailments that burdened the soul of the recipient than any other remedy than anyone could conceive.

It was a pleasure to know you. It was a treasure to be endowed with your friendship And one was wealthy to have a place in your heart.

You’ll be missed my dearest friend. I wanted to make you proud. I will do everything in my power to continue to do just that. I love you.

Jigsaw

My heart has been taken apart and put back together. But like all puzzles, over the years, pieces come up missing. Each heart break has resulted in pieces lost.

On 11/24/2014, a big chunk of the puzzle has been lost. Forever. A gypsy soul, a dear friend, someone whom I love, adore,  would’ve done anything for, well his heart seized after he tragically collided his motorcycle into a construction vehicle resulting in him being thrown into the back of an audi, then on to the hard concrete where he died.

Words cannot begin to say the sorrow I feel in my heart. I wanted you to know, Robert Lowe, you were so very special to me. I love you. You had a huge place in my heart, and a great deal of who I am,I owe to you.

These pieces are gone. They will never be returned. They died with you that day. You’ll always have them. So hold onto them tightly, until we meet again. Once again, I love you my dear friend.

Realizations

It’s over.  And I’m glad.  I need to rid myself of people whom make me feel less than.  I’m perfectly imperfect.  I have flaws and I embrace them.  I am not a martyr, a messiah nor am I anyone’s hero.  I love my child I’m a good mother and that is all I need to be. I’m nothing to you nothing to anyone but my child.  You say I’m used up. .. you say I use people. . Well who cares what you have to say? You’re a speck. A tiny speck. All of us are.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I’ve made my mistakes and in time, I’ll learn from all of them all.  I have no regrets.  Do I miss you,  sometimes.  Do I want to have contact. .. sometimes.  But do I NEED you?  Well. .. I’ve made it this long,  and I think I’m doing fine.  I’m beginning to think for myself again.  Wear my hair how I want to wear it,  wear my make up, clothes whatever without your ridicule, criticism, or as you like to call it,  guidance. 

You once told me,  after I had stated that you weren’t sweet to me anymore.  You never complimented me or said things to make me feel good about myself, that is how you’re supposed to mold someone into what you want them to be. How you train them.  At the time I thought you were joking. Well hind sight really is 20/20.

Im fine just the way I am.  I have plenty of people that think I’m beautiful just as I am. .. although the pin up look,  that was my doing.  You just tried to take credit. You encouraged me to dye my hair,  change my style, dress and look how I did when I was 16. I took a little of that and ran with it.  I dyed my hair. .. but not how you wanted but it looks awesome.  I look awesome.  I will say one thing. .. you helped me find myself.  How I’m most comfortable.  Except the yoga pants.  I don’t give a shit how much you hate them.  They make my ass looks hot and they are comfy as fuck. 

I thought that you would be “the one that got away” but,  I think I’m the one that got away.  There is a reason I couldnt stick with the idea of moving away.  I realized,  if you really felt how how you claimed to feel,  you wouldn’t have left me hanging.  You would’ve helped me get there.  You don’t really love me.  You never did. 

So as I put a close to this post, I’m just going to wish you luck.  If you call,  you know I’ll answer, shoot me an email, I’ll reply. .. but I’ll never fall like that again.  Not for you.  I don’t even know who you are. 

This one’s for you 2

I got another silent call from an unknown number this evening. I’m assuming it’s you because I know you still love me as I love you. This is awful. I’ve come to resulting to to reducing myself to taking company with stressful people trying to fill that void in my heart that you’ve left me with. I’m suspecting that the current man I’m seeing is just a liar too. I’m afraid of loving and living without you. You’re my cornerstone and the one that makes me feel like I’m safe. Although towards the end before she broke things off, you were anything but the guy I fell for which later I would come to find was all a facade. A mere ruse to make me feel like I had found the one. Instead I ended up being someone that I would become obsessed with. Wtf. Me.. obsessed over you. Makes not a bit of sense. I have tried to look back and try to think about the good times. Like when I moved In with my sister and you came to see me all the time. The very first time you came to see me we all walked down to the store together and you called me your little cuntcake. I loved when you called me that. We would bite each other and you would always squeeze my nose. They thought we were weird, but we didn’t care. We were in our world and it was fun to have that with you. But that didn’t last…

        My sister loves me and wants me to be happy and be treated well. She didn’t like that you were with someone else and that you didn’t take care of me monetarily. She’s traditional like that. I didn’t mind. It wasn’t like we were engaged or anything. I was smitten with you and I think I still am. You were the only person who stuck around. I’m hoping in time, you’ll come back into my life. We can forgive and forget. And start anew.

I was thinking to myself this morning. About the baby. I would’ve been due in January. If I had known, I would’ve kept it. Although, I’m not certain you would be involved. You did refer to Brady as your son and turned your back on him so I’m unsure you would want to be a father. But that would’ve been one beautiful baby.

It’s hard to believe that we were so obsessed with each other but didn’t ever sleep together for over 2 years. It was an old fashioned courtship. Although when we did, it was intense 

Since hanging out with her, I think more and more about you because the truth is, I am not over you…you weren’t just one of the people I fooled around with. For the quick fix for loneliness when I couldn’t have you. I know in my heart that you didn’t intend for us to happen even though you had a crazy crush on me in high school. (Which I thought was so cute when you told me that) I never expected for a single moment that when you pulled up to my house that I would have been so attracted to you. I thought it would be fun to catch up with an old friend. I fell for you hard and fast. I’m not sure why. It seemed perfect. We seemed so in sync with one another. Little did I know, you were a chameleon. You blend. You pretend. I was wounded, and you wanted to fix me. I know I was impossible at times, but you broke me. I’m broken. I am unable to trust a single soul with my heart because you kicked it around in the dirt until I no longer had a pulse. Just a cold vacancy in my chest. It wasn’t so much what you did…it was the realization that the person I fell in love with didn’t exist. It was a lie. All a big fucking lie. So I bid thee farewell…whoever you are.

Suffocating

I can’t breathe. I know you’re in town and the fact that there have been no attempts to contact me from your end is a pain that is simply unbearable. It’s like I can feel my soul, my very essence, being pulled through a tiny hole that has been drilled into the pit of my stomach. Like a loose thread being pulled from my favorite sweater eventually causing me to completely unravel. I’m reduced to a pathetic pile of mess. Completely tangled, unrecognizable, and eventually will become an urban tumbleweed. So I’ve spent money I do not have to spare on a pack of smokes and a $5 bottle of wine to try and mask this horrid sinking feeling, full the emptiness…the void you’ve left me with. I know I wasn’t exactly cordial during our last verbal exchange. For that I’m sorry. If there were anything I could do to change it, I would.

I’m still so confused about how I feel. Why do I need you? Why do I feel like I’m dying? Why can’t I forget about us? I can walk away from people and never look back but why can’t I do that with you? I would do anything to see your face approach my front door but I know you’re leaving tomorrow. Hope is lost. I know you. You wouldn’t trouble yourself to make the attempt.

Just know this…I miss you. Nobody can take your place. And believe me, I’ve tried.

Love.

This one’s for you.

As I sit in solitude, something I haven’t done in months, I think of you while I stare at the wine glass that is stained with my red lipstick. Swallowing down the room temperature garnacha that is slowly chilling in the crisp autumn air while I sulk in my seat in the garage that has become a dingy oasis where I escape my realities and down my sorrows. My back hurts, this chair is horrid, but it’s better than facing the empty bed that awaits me. I pop a pill, drink, smoke a hit or two, drink… lather, rinse, repeat. The neighbors dog won’t stop barking in my otherwise eerily quiet neighborhood. It’s annoying now, but I suspect that much won’t bother me soon enough. I don’t know why I keep thinking about you. I’m saddened by the silence that was imminent to follow after our last interaction. I don’t understand why I feel this absolute need to keep in contact and obtain approval from someone whom mostly, has made me feel like I’m unworthy and like a nuisance. Nobody that I know personally, can wrap their heads around this infatuation I have with you…and frankly, nor can I. I know I am easy on the eyes. I know I have creative talents, but I also know I’m crazy. I’m insecure. I’m damaged. I’m spiteful, vengeful, quick tempered, and at times, emotionless. If you hurt me, bet your sweet ass I’ll cut you twice as deep and leave you drowning in a puddle of your own blood…metaphorically speaking of course. The people whom fall in love with me, are the ones that I won’t ever truly love them back. Only the unobtainable catch my interest. Shouldn’t surprise me…I’ve always been very competitive. But I know how you got in. Narcissism. Manipulation disguised as trust. You great at it. Finding my weakness, at first, pointing them out as being beautiful, unique and amazing. And later using them to hurt me. I’m well aware that I didn’t handle myself or you in a rational manner through the course of the fucked up disaster we created that turned into an affair that shouldn’t have existed. That summer afternoon you messaged me and said you were in the area, said you wanted to see me, I didn’t bother combing my hair, putting actual clothes on and making myself look presentable. I was expecting a grown up version of the scrawny, dorky, hyper spaz that I used to protect from bullies in high school which eventually led me to being kicked out. But that is not who showed up. A beat up Malibu pulls up, and out pops out a long haired, bearded, tattooed guy that looks like he either rolled out of a dumpster or off a tour bus.  It didn’t matter to me…you looked sexy. Not at all like the goofball kid that followed me everywhere in high school. I run into your arms and the testosterone pumped through your veins as you swept me off my bare, dirty feet and spun me around. Then I caught a glimpse of your eyes. Amazing green hazel
eyes that later would tell me everything before you could even opened your mouth.

How bizarre it is that everything turned around. Although you were still visible anxious in my presence just as you were at times back then, I wasn’t sure what the reason was. In the beginning of our affair, You said you were intimidated by my beauty and presence. I was the hot girl at school. I was the cool girl. The one who didn’t give a shit what her parents thought about her green hair, or whatever color was chosen that week. I was the girl that smoked pot, cigarettes, drank and did drugs on the weekends. But you didn’t know I did those things because of the things I had been through. At 15, I had been through more than most have been through in the course of their lives. You said you would stare at me during class while I held a gaze that was unbreakable at the wall, window, table or whatever… off somewhere. You said it was intriguing and beautiful. You wondered what I was thinking about. You didn’t know that I was thinking about how my mother’s husband tried to fuck me the night prior or about how I was beaten by my mother’s second husband while she was either at work or off somewhere drunk. She was always M.I. A. Never there to protect me. No more than a year later I would be abandoned by her after I told her that her husband was after me. He was trying to fuck me. A young girl that never had a stable father figure. Whom didn’t even know her own until she was 8 years old. And his wife was an abusive psycho bitch. Surrounded by instability and was made to believe I was the problem. I told you everything. Gave you the key to my closet and let all the skeletons tumble out at your feet.

You seemed to empathize…which I think you really did. I’m no girl next door, easy going, carefree beauty that someone is graced with. No. I will blow through your entire being like a category 5 hurricane. Like hurricane Andrew. (See what I did there?)  Just as you did mine.

….to be continued

Isn’t life strange…

Sometimes you meet new people, sometimes it’s someone you’ve known forever but maybe lost touch for awhile, that person turns your world upside down. You’re head over heels for him and he is pretty much all you think about. You see his face pop up on your phone when he calls, your heart skips a beat and those butterflies in your tummy, that you once thought had all perished start flapping their little wings and you overthrown by this feeling you haven’t had in years. Then, you find out, this guy… someone you’ve known forever, is with someone else. He says he’s unhappy…you listen to the sob stories, offering empathy and comfort. He keeps coming back, playing with your child having as much fun as they are,

Continue reading Isn’t life strange…

The end is near…the end is here.

Drifting away like a paper bag floating in the breeze.
You’re gone.
Seemingly shrinking in the distance.
You’re the fetchling that finally flew away.
Away to begin your new journey.
You’ll grow, you’ll learn, you’ll forget.
Forget about me,
Forget about us.
I miss your eyes and the way they change colors with every emotion.
The olive
The evergreen
The golden honey
The color of spring.
I miss your smile,
Your laugh
The way you get nervous and sometimes tremble when you’re around me.
The way I felt when you kissed me and whispered “I love you.”
I feel like it was only with you when I said it and actually meant it.
Before you, I didn’t know what love was
But where there once was love,
Resting on the pillow next to mine…
Only loneliness.
Emptiness.
Pain.