Help! I ran out of laundry detergent! Don’t worry… I’ve got you…

So I ran out of laundry detergent… don’t act like it’s never happened to you  otherwise why the fuck would you be here reading my stupid blog about it? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Now wipe that smug look off your face and read on, bitches… because this shit GOLD!

I needed to get the kids clothes clean quickly… my car isn’t running so I was left to my own devices. I remember making laundry detergent before by using a recipe on pintrest but I wasn’t a huge fan. It didn’t rinse well and I just liked the store bought stuff better. 

Well that wasn’t an option for me yesterday. I remember needing washing soda, borax and some kind of bar soap I’d never heard of but I didn’t have any of that shit. I like to bake and I also use baking soda for lots of other things so I had tons of it on hand. What did I do? No… I didn’t just use baking soda because I’m pretty sure that was my mistake the first time. I made my own. I threw a bunch of baking soda onto a cookie sheet and baked that shit on 400° for  .. well I don’t exactly know. I have ADHD so I just went off and mixed yhe other shit together, made a phone call or two fucked around online, then remembered it was in the oven. From what I’ve read, it supposed to take anywhere from 15-30 mins… who knows. I just know that I can tell when it’s done by looking at it.When it changes its chemical composition from sodium bicarbonate into sodium carbonate it takes on a finer, duller and almost dusty quality rather than the brighter, crystallized and clumpier appearance it has before being heated. It’s much finer. So much so, that when I was dumping it into the container, it made me sneeze. It kinda floats in the air creating a dust cloud if you’re not careful. I’d say that I used about 1 cup? Not sure just dumped what was left in the box onto the cookie sheet. 

I didn’t have any of that weird hippie soap or stuff that only old people buy (that I had never seen or heard of until I saw it on pintrest)  but lucky for me, my boyfriend only uses dove bar soap ( and just happened to try the store brand for the first time) (because he doesn’t like feeling residue or having his skin dried out or having any heavy Cologne or perfume scents left behind) I didn’t have liquid Castille soap (whatever the fuck that is) but I did have other ingredients that I frequently use for stain removal and brightening up dingy clothes. 

So I spent about an hr on thus project which is fine because I FUCKING LOVE CRAFTING AND DIY PROJECTS! So here goes my desperate homemade detergent recipe. 

  • First, as formentioned, I didn’t have Washing soda so I turned on the oven to 400° and emptied the rest of my baking soda out onto a cookie sheet (ended up being about 1 cup) and threw that bitch i the oven 
  • Then,  I grated the fuck out of a bar of that generic dove soap. I didn’t even have a grater. I used an old ass strainer/sifter thing that has probably been in my family since they were  undoubtedly dragged over here from Ireland and made someone’s bitch for awhile… knowing my family, they probably stole it from their Massa’s kitchen just as a subtle way of saying “fuck you”to the man and that’s why it’s lasted so long. But it worked well. 
  • After that was done in added 1 cup of hydrogen peroxide 
  • Then about 1/4 cup of dawn dish soap
  • And 1/2 cup vinegar 
  • Then I mixed the shit out of it with a spoon. It was kinda foamy-ish 

Then my landlord contacted me about a text I had sent inquiring about installing a lycra swing in the ceiling of basement play area for my son and ended up bullshitting for roughly 30-45 mins

  • Then by then i knew my baking soda turned to washing soda, I added that to the rest of the ingredients. I sneezed a couple of times then mixed that in too. 

Then my son’s grandmother called and I forgot what I was doing because I talked to her for about 45 mins

  • About halfway through that phonecall I remembered that I was making laundry soap and spread it out onto a cookie sheet again. It was weird Like a cross between shaving gel and liquid cascade. 
  • Because i had made a small amount of it yesterday and through the day it had dried and was in a clumped powdery substance that i just smashed with the bottom of a glass and it looked just like store bought powdered laundry detergent.

I still used it prior to it drying out because I didn’t know that it would and I’m impatient af even though I’d find out later that it dissolved much faster once it was powdery again.

I tested it out on a medium load of the kids clothes and then again on a blanket that is used with a duvet cover. Both washed in hot water because boys = germs and germs are icky. 

Both times, the water came out looking so dirty when it drained before the rinse cycle the rinse cycle water was pretty clear and the clothes and blanket came out soft even though I forgot to add dryer sheets. 

I would say this is an overall win for a half-assed recipe that I threw together just using what I had. I will probably use this recipe for awhile and then switch to another soap that doesn’t have conditioners to prevent any build-up or dingy-ness. But it’s working out nicely thus far. 

I know the other stuff is fine because I used that combo on some serious stains on my son’s hand-me-down coat that he got from my boyfriend’s son. My boyfriend said “you’ll never get those stains out but other than that it’s perfect” the thing looked like it had been dragged in mud for a mile then washed again and again leaving it still  dirty looking. Mostpeople would’ve said ” fuck that drama” and threw it away, but because he said I’d never get the stains out, I had to prove that I could because I saw it as a challenge. 

Spoiler alert

I got them all out. 

Ha ha! I win!

When it’s real… 

Right now,  somewhere,  some poor kid is falling in love for the first time, and it’s likely it won’t last forever.  I think pretty much everyone is born a romantic.  when we’re young,  we all have these ideals of what love is supposed to be. A fairytale that has been pounded into our heads or entire lives that isn’t realistic and seems to take ud by surprise when we learn that life just doesn’t usually work that way. but still,  young, niave and hopeful, we keep going.  clinging. just trying to force things to fit but it just. ..doesn’t.  

First loves are the purest. they are free of the baggage and skepticism that crush those ideals and sabotage our relationships. when that first love is lost,  you lose a huge chunk of yourself and you can literally feel it being ripped from your chest.  then you spend the rest of your days wandering aimlessly and blindfolded,  slamming into everything until someone takes your hand and lifts the cloth that’s pressed firmly against your eyes. a brand new face and then suddenly those ideals come creeping and you feel that heart pounding,  head rushing, tummy fluttering feeling and swear you’re hearing wedding bells and seeing fireworks.  still skeptical, you try to make sense of it thinking maybe it’s just my senses playing tricks on me.  My equilibrium is thrown off because It’s no longer dark,  my ears are ringing, I’m dizzy, it’s only because I can see again. some immediately reach for rose tinted glasses to make things seem to fit their original idea of love. 

I’m SO guilty of all of these things. I was left crippled by my first heartbreak and never fully recovered. every relationship after that one the blindfold stayed intact for the entire time. 
But then, one day, 2 major relationships, one broken engagement, a child, and twenty years later,  after consuming 2 cheap bottles of wine and a package of menthols armed with my smartphone and the Facebook app, I decided to do a little snooping (like I had done at least a dozen times before) on my first love. 

Last I’d seen, he was happily married and had been for the last decade, and had a son. I searched for him with no avail, so decided to check out the “wife’s”  Facebook profile only to find that although she still had his name, she was pictured with a different man and there were only a couple of pictures that were visible in which none of them included him or the children (which I found out later they had a second son) 
So panicked, thinking my one true love had perished tragically in some horrific accident, I found his mother and sent her a private message. 3 days went by and I got a response. not from her, but him! we arranged to meet the following day and when I ran up to hug him, that blindfold just slipped from my face and that part of me that always seemed to be missing, popped right back into place. 

We became inseparable. we’ve been together for 6 months. we are already living together and my heart still skips a beat when he texts or calls me from work, when I hear the door open and he walks through, and we still grasp and hold each other tight for at least a minute when he comes home. 

I’m so very lucky. I have never had such a feeling of completion. We’re actually HAPPY. Not just content… we’re truly happy. I never thought this was in the cards for me. I sure as hell never thought I would end up with him. 
He’s taken my son as his own. my son is autistic and is quite the handful but my love has helped us with a steady hand and I couldn’t be more grateful. 

I hope everyone gets to experience this. 

Second chance

I am elated, blissful, light and giddy. My life has turned into a plot line from a Nicholas Sparks novel and I’m falling madly in love for the second time with my first love.  20 years had passed since we’d last laid eyes on one another and the moment we had, it was like o time had passed at all. But here we are, 20 years, one marriage, several failed relationships and 3 children later, smitten with one another, texting every waking moment while apart but together in every possible chance. They say you never love quite the same as you do with your first… This is true. I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never felt so alive and excited about waking up in the morning. Well,  Not since my freshman year in high school.

We’ve been inseparable for the last few weeks. We can both say “I love you” without hesitation and with complete confidence. It feels like I’m living a dream. I can’t focus, my mind is always drifting off to the man that has had my heart all of these years. Whenever I think of him, I’ll hear my phone ding and it a text from him saying he’s thinking of me. I never want to lose this feeling. I want to fly high on him forever.

I’m sinking

The ground has given to the weight upon me. The weight that is me.  So much wine flowing through my veins my very presents opens a fault line under my achey toes. I bear down, but the earth just crumbles to sand as I desperately try to keep my head from being buried beneath the rubble.  The destruction and chaos that myself alone am responsible for.  I am the driver of the vessel that barrels through the crowd of people, losing control,  losing myself and taking everyone down in the process.  I’m not a nice person.  At least not if you are close to me. Or as close as you let me.  If i love you,  i will shut you out.  I will pick fights with you because you have gotten to me.  You have me at a point that I am no longer in control. You CAN hurt me. And you will.  But the only one to blame is me.  I’m shutting you out because you don’t understand me
Nobody does.  I should be alone, but I can’t be alone.  I don’t want to hurt.  I don’t want to freak out.  I don’t want to be crazy. 

But I am.  I’m fucking nuts. 

If I can’t find something,  i scream,  i cry,  i punch walls, doors,  if i could get by with it,  I’d punch myself.  I’m no picnic. I’m the eye of the hurricane.  I’m the olive sky before a tornado. I’m the brilliant lights of lightning as it strikes your dwelling. I’m the girl that wants to be better; wants to do better, wants to be good enough and not like my head and heart are tangled and and ripping eachother apart.  like my whole life is ending everytime there is a bump in the pavement, a crack in the sidewalk or a pebble in my shoe. Someone help me.  pllease god…help me. I’m defective.  I’m destructive,  my pain is contagious. I leave all I touch writhing in agony.  My tears are as acidic as the phrases that dance off the tip of my tongue. My pretty mouth will  frame words that will paint everything as red as my lipstick. My hands are cold and tremble, and will freeze one to the core. Hearts freeze and shatter like mine did.  I’m contagious.

And then…

I lay in bed, with my stomach turning and my heart sinking deeper into my the deepest pit of my stomach wondering why. Why don’t you believe in me? what is it about me that makes me so unworthy of your trust? I wonder why you don’t seem to care how I’m feeling.  My soul is dying, and you don’t even seem to notice the flicker of fire  that once danced in my eyes is now just cinder.   when you’re away,  sometimes I just need a person to talk to.  Someone to distract me from the loathing i feel sweep over me when I look in the mirror. All of the broken pieces of myself at your feet, but instead of helping me scoop it up and put me back together,  you just swept those pieces under the rug.  I keep moving forward,  wounded,  hoping you’ll slow down and recognize that I’m bleeding.  I wait for you to ask me if I’m okay, but instead,  you point out my flaws, those missing pieces and imperfections.

You don’t understand nor do you want to. I just want you to care if whether or not I’m okay.  But most of all, I just want to BE okay.

Torn to shreds

The tiny Fragments lay down at My aching feet that scramble. My vacant chest holds nothing but panic. There are no words or phrases that can Express what I’m feeling right now. 

I’m struck with grief, guilt and regret. I’m failing.  A thousand reasons to give up,  but I can’t.  I’m a mother. My feelings are null. A dirty girl searching for an answer, a steady hand to hold and a single night’s sleep.  Begging to be understood. 

On my mind, and forever in my heart

It’s been over 6 months but my heart still aches everyday.  Your birthday is coming up. I think about all of the birthdays we celebrated together.  Posts, pictures, memories…

           I am wondering if this ache will ever fade.  I wonder if I’ll always be fighting back the tears. If I’ll always feel this way. Like I’ve lost a piece of myself. 

           I flip through the pictures. I keep them in my phone.  In a way,  I don’t want the pain to fade because I never want to forget just how important you are to me, and the world.

              For your birthday,  I will make a promise.  You will never be forgotten. Your pictures will remain within reach and on my mirror to remind me how important you will remain. Just because I can’t call you,  I still hear your voice.  Sometimes, I hear music.  I know it’s you.  I feel it.  Thank you for being here for me even though I can’t feel your warm hugs, I still feel the love.  I love you.