Siren songs

another. torture, sadistic, masochistic. Too many people hurt crushed the seemingly softness of my hand wrapped around your fragile little heart. I’ll tell you to run from it before I get buried in too deep because I’ll only pull away ripping it from your chest…meanwhile, your beating heart in my Palm and watching you gasp for air, mine has shattered inside my chest . Watching the suffering, the storm stirring in your eyes, then watching the rain fall from your sky. Why am I doing this? Why do I commit to live in discontent… I’ll sing my lonely lullabies luring you in… dragging you down into my ocean, to hold someone for awhile until they drown. In my sea of lonely tears. Then while trying to revive their lifeless body I feel like I’m dying. I float back to the top with my tears  rising the waters. And I’ll sing, I’ll see your hand reaching  but I’ll just pull you down. You’ll love every second…until you can’t breathe. I’m a siren, leading you to certain death your body intact, but no life in your eyes.

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Nostalgia

myself are Driving down a country road, I’m overcome by the scent of the corn fields In bloom . I picture my sister and I playing hide and seek with each other in the what seemed like endless rows of  towering stalks. The mud swishing between our toes, the dogs barking and chasing us playfully through the fields, breaking off a cobb and chucking it for them to find… makes me miss the carefree feeling of being a child. We would catch wild animals and bring them inside to keep as pets until mom told found out.I love the smells of my past and how quickly it can send me back in time to a point where I was happy. Where nothing mattered other than which Barbie is going to marry gi Joe today or what flavor of gum to get at the gas station with the spare change I found in the couch. As years passed, it became what can I do to avoid being beaten today?  Am I going to see my mom today? Tomorrow? Why do I feel as though I have to let people hurt me, or take from me in order for them to LOVE me? Why do I want these people to love me? Why won’t anyone protect me? I miss the cornfields…and the wonderful respite that was my early 20’s. In Florida, listening to the palms in the seabreeze whilst holding one in my hand. The soft sand between my toes, the taste of the salt on my lips, the feeling of my hair after the salt had settled on every strand naturally dreading my hair making me feel like a bohemian beauty while I am swoon by the sweet smell of coconuts while the other girls gloss their thin, tan bodies with Hawaiian tropic. STILL…to this very day, I adore the scent of coconuts. Whenever I get whiff of it,  my eyes close and my mind is back there. Listening to the waves, the palms, feeling the salt, sand and calm. Calm. Something I rarely feel anymore. But nostalgia can help me pretend for a little while.

Forged farewell

We’re Senseless,
And Reckless,
You’re Pain
You’re bliss
You’re agony and ecstasy
I love you,
I hate you.
I want to hold you,
Choke you.
Kiss you,
Kill you.
Give you life,
Then take it away.
I adore you.
I despise you.
You Satisfy me,
Sicken me.
You’re nothing
And everything.
Nurture me,
Destroy me.
My dream
And Nightmare.
Heaven and hell
I’m a mouse,
You’re the wheel.
Going nowhere.
Breathless.
Stationary.
Moving at the speed of sound.
As fast as my heartbeat.
It could give anytime…
You’ve broken it,
Glued it,
Shattered it.
Taped it,
Crushed it,
Stitched it.
Devoured it,
Heaved it onto the floor at me feet.
There is nothing left to mend.
I’m empty,
I’m Hollow.
My legs are too heavy to walk away.
You opened my eyes
Then blinded me.
Put me together
Then took me a part.
Made me feel
Bliss.
Pain.
Pain.
Sorrow
Rage.
Fear.
Pain.
Barren and blissful
Mirth and misery.
Devotion and despair.

I was comfortable
Content
You left.
Gone.
Alone.
Agony.
Tyranny and torment.
Longing and loathing.
You’re nothing
You’re everything.
You’re gone.
I’m breathless.
Lifeless.
Emotionally emaciated.

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Broken Bettie

Here I am. It’s precisely 12:03 am on a Saturday night. My cell phone is sounding off with text messages and notifications sounding like windchimes in the midst of a hurricane. Texts from my ex girlfriend telling me she misses me, texts from a guy I went on a date with a few weeks ago, messages from dating sites with men all saying the same thing or something meaningless and mundane at an attempt to break the ice…the truth is, I like the attention but it isn’t their attention I need.

Falling in love is a truly masochistic thing. I mean, how many relationships do most of us go through before we find the one that we are supposed to be with? And if you do happen to find that one person whom can put your whirling thoughts to rest, make you feel sane and crazy all at once, who’s whispers cover you like a soft blanket fresh from the dryer on a frigid February night comforting you in ways you never thought possible, the one that you don’t feel the need to pretend with.. their crazy compliments your crazy.It dances in a way that can only be interpreted by the two of you… if you’re lucky enough to find that one entity that one soul that makes you feel like you’re not alone in the universe…you could STILL lose him/her. And your heart is something so very fragile to gamble with…sure, you can win it back, but the one who claimed it as their bounty won’t cradle it quite like you did and you’ll likely get it back In pieces spending years trying to get those pieces to fit back together with trembling hands. Love stricken. Stunned like a bird that had flown into a glass window. More often than not, love ends. And with what always seems like an untimely death, and then comes the pain. That warm blanket had been snatched from your now naked body and you’re exposed to the elements and you just can’t seem to mask the agony that now lies at the pit of your stomach and it fills you completely reflecting through your eyes for the world to see. That thing we call love. Now feeling the unraveling of my soul being pulled outward as I begin to let go of whom I adore I’m left empty. Nothing left…makes me think really long and hard about jumping into its depths with both feet again…i think I’ll wade here on the shoreline for awhile. This way I can see what lies beneath my feet. I’ll continue to go out on dates with impressive people, interesting people, funny people, talented people, but I know, deep down, there will never be another like the one I long for tonight. At 12:46,am. IMG_21979321000403